Swallowed my Shame

Turns out that teh landlord, my sister, was actually quite cool about me breaking the door.  She's not happy about it cause I wasted $30 on a new one, but it wasn't the grudge match I thought it'd be.  My dad pitched in too and we all made a huge effort to get my place ready for showings cause starting Monday this house is on the market.

Doors

I feel so bad right now because of this stupid door I broke. I didnt want any one else to know about it because it hurts so bad, and instead of being able to tell my landlord when I wanted to, in private on my own after they got back from there vacation, my room mate tells them for me using a text message or something. And so before I've told my sister about the door my parents are asking me about it. Talk about heart wrenching. This is killing me! I feel so bad about it, and my sister is just telling every body, and joking about it. Laughing at me when I'm struggling. I feel so bad about breaking the door that I am nauseous!

I don't know if I can face my landlord tomorrow afternoon. I can't really take any more of this type of stress. I dont know how to solve this problem. I'm such a wreck right now that I just want to sleep the night and as soon as day comes I am leaving, just getting out of here cause I just can't face them poking fun at me. Rubbing it in my face that they know how to deal with frustration and anger. I hate this. I really don't want to be here tomorrow. I just know they are going to be all snobby about it and just make me feel worse and there's just no way for me to tell my little sister how bad I feel that I can't even deal with a stupid little door won't stay still.

I really can't do it, cause I get this huge lump in my throat and I feel so sick and hurt. I just can't seem to get any words out theres so much shame and sadness. I see the path of destruction I've left after I've lost my temper and I just want to curl up or puke or run away or something. Any thing to get away from this reminder that I can't keep it together. I'm not sure any of you have any idea what I am talking about here. I'm pretty sure that you are all able to keep a cool head and not break whatever is closest to you when you are angry. Rage is probably not a problem in your life. Which probably made this whole thing seem funny to you. Well next time you get into a frustrating situation, but some how manage to hold onto your sanity and work through it just remember that there are people like me who honestly don't have any coping skills at all and just fall to pieces.

The most frustrating thing in my world is just anything in the way. Plastic bag on the floor? Frustrating. Bathroom door insists on being not Quite all the way open and so I run right into it as I leave my room. Frustrating. It doing that 3 times in a row after I've closed it every single time I ran into it but someone else has been in there since so I dont see or think that it's in the way so I fill my hands with dishes and walk out of my room right into the edge of the bathroom door causing me to drop the dishes. Extremely frustrating. So already frustrated I close the door too far and put a hole in it. Now I feel sick to my stomach because that door was just replaced and the only problem I ever had with it is the same problem I have with any door (it gets in the way).

It's happened again

Once more I've let my impulsiveness loose me a lot of money.  I've had 3 NSF fees this month that I never should have had to begin with.  The whole problem is the number of times I went to a restaurant this month.  Thought I could afford it I did, but really I couldn't.  So now I've got to find $120 somewhere before I can use my bank again.  Actually that's not completely true, if you can remember way back I had switched banks, and well I told every place that was taking money out of my bank account, but no one asked for the info, they just said, "Oh that's nice, thanks for calling bye bye" and hung up, wellllllllll they cost me about $150 in NSF etc. so I gotta find that too.  Also I'm down to 2 steaks, 4 sausages, 1/2 a head of lettuce, 1 head of broccoli, 1 bunch of green onions, a handful of cabbage, and condiments in the fridge.  How I'm supposed to stretch enough meat for a week until the end of the month I'll never know cause I'm out of peanuts, and I only have one tin of tuna in the cupboard.  It's probably time to go back to community care.

Help a body out?

Big fat nothing

I seriously need to find a job. I have no idea where to look for a design or tech job here in st. Catharines. All the jobs I've applied to in the past six months have given me no response and most places have not even seen my application. I am sick of this stupid job search, just give me a job already and stop jerking me around.

Modifying Final Fantasy VII (FF7)

I'm quite sure that if you're reading this you probably already know how awesome Final Fantasy 7 is.  Good.  Now you also probably don't need me explaining all the troubles people had with it when it came out.  First of all there was a falling out between Square and Nintendo because Square wanted to make a big huge game, bigger than anything yet on the SNES, but it had the word DAMN in it somewhere.  Nintendo didn't like the swear word, told Square to take it out or they weren't going to publish, and Square said "You're not the only game system around" and went straight to another Nintendo jilted company SONY.  This was a good move for Square because the Playstation was built on the SNES platform already, just with some extra nifty 3D technology and a brand spanking new CD technology, oh and 2 extra buttons on the controller.  So not much new had to be learned by Square's programmers.  When the game finally came out everybody was awed by the fully realized 3D graphics it had in all of the battle sequences, but were really put off by what looked like little lego children running around when you weren't fighting.  Well it's 14 years later, and guess what?  The lego kiddies are gone, the 640x480 only resolution is a thing of the past (rightly so it seemed small to me when it came out, I kept a 1024x768 resolution on my desktop in 1998), and the only thing that seems out of date now is that there's 4 CDs I have to play through.  That's right 4 actual physical discs that I have to manually jam into the drink holder on my tower.  No I'm not going to back them up and use them as ISO files, that would be wrong on some level, besides, I'm running out of room on my hard drive.

Anyway down to what mods and patches I'm using:

• FF7 1.02 patch http://ffsf.aaron-kelley.net/patch.html
  This is a must have no matter what you are going to do next, every single mod depends on the fact that you have this official patch installed.  The only reason this isn't linked to Square's own servers is because I couldn't find it there, and the game is 14 years old, how long do you expect support for it?
• FF7 Custom Graphics driver http://forums.qhimm.com/index.php?topic=8306.25
  I absolutely love this little download.  I can use any size I want, fullscreen or windowed, and change all sorts of options, and fix all sorts of glitches known to happen to ATI cards.  AFter downloading this and the patch above I could play what is essentially an unmodified FF7 and it looked almost modern.  Sure, there were still Lego chibi characters all over, but at least it looked decent and smooth instead of all pixelated and stretched out (my LCD monitor aut-stretches to 1440x900).
• FF7 Unified Model Installer http://forums.qhimm.com/index.php?topic=12522.0
  This is a big mod!  it takes every model created for FF7 ever (minus the ones from Team Avalanche, they've asked to continue to be a seperate project) such as all the ones from the Phoenix Rejuvenation Project (which is an update to the NPC RP), and all the models from all over the QHIMM forums (which if you have anything to do with FF7 modding, that the place to be, strange for a simple machine forum) and other places.  This is one exhaustive mod and it can actually get rid of the blocky field characters.